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Do you have a hard time saying “NO” to people in your life when they ask you to do something that you really don’t want to do? Is your timetable full of things you are to do for people in their lives, than things you want to do for yourself? Do you feel bad when you don’t do something for someone? Do you find yourself not having opinion in any situation and following what everybody says about that situation? Do you find yourself stopping everything you do for other people? Do you feel responsible when people are having a bad day or hurting?
Last month i figured out something very heartbreaking about myself, that i am a people pleaser. Or more like i used to be, or was because i have learnt my way out of it. You see for a people pleaser to make other people happy is a goal, we seek to do everything for everyone and be everything for everyone as if we can satisfy them, and if we don’t, we feel inadequate,not enough.
I have always wanted to be everything to everyone, every time, its very hard, and time consuming. And more than that i used to mistake that as kindness.
It is very easy for people to take advantage of you when you are people pleaser.
It is very hard to get anything accomplished for yourself when all the time you are constantly thinking of doing things for others.
There is a difference between being kind and actually wanting to please the people around you…
For a kind person reaching out is an act of love, for a person who seeks to please reaching out to people is seeking for validation.
For a people pleaser if they didn’t notice what you did when you did, it doesn’t feel like you did it.
For a kind person, it is okey to say no, especially when you don’t want to do that thing or you are tired or you want to do something for yourself. For a people pleaser it haunts you that you did say no, even if you were extremely tired. It will bother you the whole week.
For a kind person, apology is due when apology is really needed, for a people pleaser apology is for everything. Even when the other person is wrong you apologize for them apologizing. You just feel bad and awkward about it.
For a kind person leaving people with their own problems but just being there is enough, for a people pleaser wanting to solve every problem in everyone’s life and being seen as a hero is an attribute.
For a kind person it is okey to have a bad day and let people know you need space, or more like showing your anger towards them when they hurt you, for a people pleaser we want to be seen happy all the time and more than that you can’t show your anger toward people or else they won’t think of you as nice.
People pleaser are always, constantly thinking of what other are thinking of them, replaying what happened and why they did that and that instead of that, and what so and so thought of it, and if they think nice of them after so and so.
The tiring part about people pleasing is actually having to live your life twice.
First in real life, then in your head, replaying everything that happened, how, why and when it happened.
I am so tired of being a people pleaser, i just want to live a life that fully glorifies God and puts me in favor of God and people, Luke 2:52- “And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man”.
Standing up for what is Biblical
I believe that kindness is a necessity, and i believe that it is a fruit of the Spirit, but people pleasing is the fruit of seeking validation, identity and life meaning from people.
So as much as we want to be kind to people, as much as the Holy Spirit helps us to be, we were not called to seek validation from people by what we do.