Some days I feel like I don’t want to write about what I mostly write about, but writing is therapeutic for me, and so I feel like there is healing in speaking and writing what I write. So am gonna talk about this, finally?. Jesus help me.
CHURCH WOUNDS AND MY TRUST ISSUES / STORIES OF SPIRITUAL TRAUMA
Church wounds or church hurt, is simply being hurt/wounded by the people in church, your fellow Christian brothers and sisters. And from experience I would say this is so painful, close enough to family wounds or spousal. (Matthew 23)
Because you just expect these people to be Christ-like and when they fail to be that, you just can’t wrap your mind around that.
But we live in an imperfect world, a sinful world and so one way or another, we will go through pain.
This week I have discovered that I have trust issues, and part of that is related to how I have been hurt by the body of Christ before.
Also Read: Why I love Church
See, I have been hurt couple times, and I don’t think I had allowed myself to weep, to go through that pain, to open my heart and receive healing. And so I think I let my trust issues develop to the stage they are now, like now I just judge people even before I listen to them, and I already put them in a category of whether we will be friends or not, early on.
—-The first time the church wound me, was when I was sexually abused, though I have not yet reached a point where I can talk about this openly on the blog, but I was abused by a believer, a person who we thought/believed was a “mature” Christian. You know how in Africa, we have grades for Christianity, like those who are above (have grown), and those of us.. We even have statement like “huyu kiroho chake kikubwa”, which is so weird because there is no measurement of someone’s spirituality or relationship with Christ.
—The second time was when my mom decided to do a business with a church member.. And I remember my heart not accepting it completely, and I didn’t know it was the way Holy Spirit was trying to talk me out of it, but I ignored His voice. I specifically remember one day I was eating with M (am gonna call him that) and then I heard a voice in my heart saying ” WHAT IF THIS GUY STEAL SOME MONEY FROM YOU GUYS?”, But I brushed that aside, like oh no, he is a Christian, he will never do that, we met him in church.
– I also remember this one time, I was in church and M was testifying.. I mean, his testimony didn’t make sense at all. Like completely.
But I questioned it for a second, and then I reminded myself that, 1st- God is miraculous, I don’t know how He works.
2nd- I don’t think anyone will ever lie in church,especially testifying about God.
3rd- maybe am sinning by questioning this testimony. Its like am questioning God or something.
And so I let it go.
That was a mistake.
Also Read: Tuongee: Kumuamini Mungu
And I had a guitar, and I remember he asked me to give it to him for sometime, so that he could be playing it for himself. I remember the day I gave him, I even escorted him to the bus stop, I just couldn’t let go of the way my heart was very heavy when I was giving my guitar to him. But you have to understand where I come from, I am the only child, am not used to sharing my things with people. And so at that time it was hard to know if I don’t want to give it to him because of selfishness or because again the Holy Spirit was telling me that what I was doing was a mistake. But again, honestly I didn’t listen, but it was because I was trying to learn how to be selfless (I love learning and pushing myself), how to share my things with people, and so I cried myself to sleep that night, with a lot of thoughts and questions.
Without knowing that, that would have been the last time I was seeing my favourite guitar.
-I also remember my mom giving him the business money, I remember being mad about it, and telling her don’t give M all that amount, you need to see if you can trust him with that much amount, but we met in church remember?? So he might be honest. And one week later, he left with 1.5 million and my guitar.
I laughed, and accepted what happened. Let’s move on.
—The third time I was wounded by the church, was when I worked with a Christian leader who was using the Word of God to make people submit, like beating you with God’s word really. Narcissistic, sexist and misusing the Word of God for His own gain. And also a very big liar in the Word of God. And still serving the Lord.
All of this made me question God big time, like I tell my friends that if God didn’t come through the way He came through when I was doubting and hurting, I probably would have left the faith. Like stop believing in God.
All of this left a picture of faith that I was not ready to be associated with. I know God is loving, but His people are different and I don’t want to be associated with them.
Then comes my trust issues….
Mama brought another person in our lives, who made me realize I just don’t trust people anymore. I am just here waiting for all the drama this new person will bring, I don’t want to be associated with this new person, let’s call her W. I don’t know if it is the Holy Spirit telling me what will happen,but I have already warned my mom of all the evil that will come out of associating with this lady. Maybe it is just my fears, pain and my trust issues.
I don’t want to bring her into my life, I have been through this road before right?? Church people have hurt me, but maybe I haven’t forgiven and heal.
This is why I doubt church people, those that tell you, God told them to tell you… I doubt those. I know there are prophets in Christianity, but I feel like these prophets don’t speak for me. Or to me. I mean I feel like they speak what you want to hear, and most of the times the prosperity gospel that they preach is more of you than of Jesus. Worshiping and fearing them than Jesus (probably topic for another day??).
And I fear that I have limited God. In that way, He can’t use that way to speak to me cause I don’t trust the prophets.
Back to church people, so yeah, I feel like I am just always on a look out, guided up, walls so high, it is not easy to break them. Because what if I let you in and you hurt me more.
And also I want to represent Christ and His testimony (#Christrepresenter) but currently I can’t, with all these walls built around me, I can’t reach them and they can’t reach me. And maybe am really misrepresenting Christ to W, and I have misjudged W. But I also believe God wants me to heal, and maybe W came to our lives for that purpose.
The place that I thought was the place that could bring me healing, brought me more pain..
Also Read: Unapopitia Magumu
Currently I am just going through this, learning,growing,weeping for all that I lost (? and trust), and healing.
I know God can heal me, and that’s why I am bringing Him in as a light, inside of this darkness filling my heart.
Oh, this post doesn’t end up in any inspiring way, for NOW, it is just me telling it like it is.
But who knows, next time??
PS- I think it is more noble to examine what the preacher says, Acts 17:11-12- the Berean Jews use to examine even what Paul said, I mean it was THE APOSTLE PAUL and these people checked their Bibles to see if what Paul was saying was in the Bible. How much more our current preachers, it is not a sin to not agree with the teachings, I think the great teacher Jesus is the only true, good teacher. I feel so bad for how the current preachers threaten people who disagree with them.
Have you ever been through such pain before, share with me in a comment down here??.