I am not content.
I know I am laid back and always excited for stuffs but deep inside, I always feel like there is better somewhere else, or maybe this is not enough.
In everything I do.
I think FOMO has been dominant now that I am looking for jobs, and now that my mom keeps on telling me,’it’s okay, just get somewhere to work while you are still looking for a bigger paying job, once you find a bigger paying job you can leave the one you have, you know as long as you just don’t stay at home, find somewhere to work at for the time being’.
I know she means well, but this is fueling my FOMO.
I remember when I was in Malawi, I was always wondering maybe if I were in Dar, it would’ve been easy for me to go to interviews you know. Malawi is so far, what if they call me for interviews and I can’t be there and so miss the job? And so I was half present, constantly worrying, scared I will miss something, that never happened.
I don’t think I will settle you know, even if I am somewhere working, I will still feel like this is not it.
And that’s tiring.
At least to me.
FOMO has affected my dating life.
Like maybe there is someone better than this.
My social life.
Like maybe someone else is having fun somewhere else, and I am just getting bored here.
My spiritual life.
Maybe that church is cooler than this. (And yes I have thought like that).
I feel like I am tired.
Of not enjoying what I have, constantly feeling like I am missing out on better, if I take this what about that one?
And life is funny, we just don’t have that much of a time to discover what could have been and what is.
Life is short, do we live it or let fear lead?
And I am not advising people to settle, I am just saying the way I feel.
I was working a contract job somewhere, and I kept on applying to other organizations, constantly waiting for the day they will call, and not enjoying the days I was spending at the job that I had.
My greatest fear in life right now, is being accepted by the two places I desire to work at. Like both of them accepting me at the same time. What will I do?
I just don’t know how to make decisions, what if the one I don’t choose is the fun one, and the one I choose is the boring one, how will I know!?
So my prayer is always, God, the first one to accept me, I will take it as a sign.
What if it’s not?
What if I can wait, a little…. A little longer.
Why aren’t they responding?
Should I go to this one?
What would have been if I worked with them?
I would have been enjoying right now?
I could have been travelling and enjoying life but look at me now, look at me now.
This is my life.
I am not gonna let fear lead. I am gonna let love lead.
We live once, I will never know how life would be like in the choice that I have not made. But I have the opportunity to live life in the choice that I have made. I want to live those choices. I want to be okay with letting go of fear, not everything was meant for me. I am only one person, I can’t live all the experiences in life.
As a person who always believes that there is so much to see, so many places to go to, which is true. I need also to know that life is short, and I am one person, wherever I am, let me be there. Wherever I am, it is a gift to be there.
Maybe I can just cry for the life that I will never live, and celebrate the life that I do live now.
I can just cry for the choices that I never made, opportunities I ‘loose’, and have impacts in the one’s I get to have.
I can just live for now, this life that I have, I can just be here, now.
Commit to one, and forget the waiting, the longing, that leaves me feeling unsatisfied in life.
And also define my own definition of success, in that way I will have joy in the choices I have made and I am making, cause I know what success is to me, and that the path I am choosing is the one that I want for me.
If its meant to be, it will be.
If it’s mine,and I am still living, it will come to me, at God’s appointed time.
For now, wherever I go, I go all IN.